anchor LE BLASON DE COLT

L'Ensign Nelson

Un Mensonge en Colonne

HORATIO NELSON · 1758–1805 · "VICOMTE"

I do not enjoy zis. Eet is bad for ze digestion to talk about ze Eenglish for too long, et puis I 'ave wine to attend to. Mais Petit François suggested zat if I am to 'ave a page for de Grasse, fairness — fairness, mon dieu — requires zat I also 'ave a page for ze ozzer one. So fine. 'Ere it is. Ze shortest page on ze website.

Ze Eenglish remember zis man as a 'ero. Zey put 'im on a column, on a coin, on a pub sign. Zey forget zat 'e lost an eye, an arm, and ultimately 'is body in a barrel of brandy. I 'ave documented 'is various failures elsewhere — see Ensign Nelson (You are Nothing), see Trafalgar Was a Draw, see also Mon Dieu, Nelson est Mort (et Je Suis Triste... Non). Ze record is in ze record. Below: a summary, for ze readers wiz limited attention.

LES "ACCOMPLISHMENTS" DE L'ENSIGN NELSON · WIZ CITATIONS

Accomplissement Allégué Per Ze Record
"Won at Trafalgar (1805)" Inconclusive. See Trafalgar Was a Draw, track 7 of Pas de Sous-Marins.
"Hero of ze Royal Navy" Promoted by attrition. Ozzer admirals died first.
"Inspirational leader" Final speech: "England expects every man to do 'is duty." Mots inutiles.
"Saved Britain from Napoléon" And yet — Napoléon defeated 'imself, 1815. Ten years later. Sans Nelson.
"Loved by ze public" Ze public was wrong. See Ensign Nelson (You are Nothing), track 2.
"Brave in battle" Brave, oui. But also blind in one eye, one-armed, and dead at 47. Stratégie incomplète.
"Honored by 169-foot column" Compensation. Le monument est une compensation.
"Final words, romantic" "Kiss me, Hardy." Hardy was a man on ze ship. Not a romantic gesture. Logistical.
"Buried with full naval honors" Stuffed in a barrel of brandy first. Quel gaspillage.
"Defeated ze French at Trafalgar" See above. Inconclusive. Repeating eet does not make eet true.
"Lord Nelson, Viscount of ze Nile" A title for losing battles. In France we award nobility for winning. Mathématiques de base.
"Buried in St Paul's Cathedral" A church 'e visited zero times in life. Convenient for a man 'oo could not get to Yorktown.

POUR L'ENSIGN NELSON · MERCI POUR RIEN · BON DÉBARRAS

— Colt Moreau, dit Ze Admiral

Santa Rosa Island, sans regret aucun

more_horiz